Bringing Down My Demons

7 Jan

Today has been one of those days where I am more than grateful for the little blessings in my life. They remind me that I have it so easy compared to so many others in this world. And today, when I needed just a little bit of encouraging and strength, it wasn’t in short supply, and for that I have no words.

It would be an understatement to say that 2012 ended on a stressful note for me, and while I don’t want to go into details too much, just know that I have spent months wrestling with my own demons. The ones that tell me I’m not pretty or funny or smart enough, and that’s why my heart was broken. Other demons that tell me that at 24 years of age I should have more to show for my time on this Earth. I should have accomplished more at this point. I should be creating and living this fantastic life. And then there are the demons that tell me I’ll never make it in the professional world, or for that matter, the adult world because I’m too weak, emotional or simply because I will never be ready to be out on my own. We each have our fair share of demons, and I don’t know about yours, but mine know exactly what words to say, images to bring to mind and the best moment to deliver their message so it will leave me crumpled on the bathroom floor in a puddle of tears.

So after months of “just going through the motions” of life, I am retaking control. I read somewhere once that no one controls your own happiness but you, and I’m going to put that to the test in 2013. This year I want to meet myself. I honestly don’t think I’d know me if we happened to meet on the street. I want to become reacquainted with who I am, learn what things bring me the greatest joy, discover my hidden talents and channel my inner DIY Goddess. This year is dedicated to my own personal growth. I want to learn to accept myself, flaws and all. I want to learn to love myself without focusing and obsessing on the negatives in my past. I want to turn a new page, begin a new chapter, a happier chapter.

I know it will be a challenge in more ways than one, but like the saying goes “nothing worth having is easy to get.” I may get discouraged and lose faith in myself. But with the support and encouragement of my family, friends and online community, I know there’s nothing that can stop me.

Especially when I know that on days like today when I’m feeling low, out of the blue, there will be positive “thinking of you” messages and compliments pertaining to issues I was stressing over. For example, at work today, I was told I looked beautiful a few times and that my new makeover (courtesy of my little sisters) was stunning. Then I was confirmed a full-time employee. I have officially graduated from office intern. Maybe I am beautiful and maybe I can take on the precessional world and not get trampled, but one thing I know for sure….without putting myself out there and giving it a try, I’ll never know if I can or not.

Time to leave the past in 2012 where it belongs, I can’t wait to see what’s in store for 2013!!

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