How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?

30 Jul

I’m not afraid to admit that on Monday nights my guilty pleasure is watching The Bachelorette, and I honestly tend to enjoy watching The Bachelorette more than just The Bachelor. Call me a hopeless romantic, a sap, whatever.

I love, love. That first meeting and the story behind it. The first kiss, where was it? Was it memorable? Who said “I love you” first and when did you know. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my own personal love life up to this point has been anything but a fairy tale, that I cling to these wonderfully bliss moments others get to have.

Anyways, this season, the lucky lady to attempt to find love on national television is Desiree (Des). She was rejected by last season’s bachelor after the hometown dates (there were only four girls left.) It was devastating to see her sent home as it appeared they shared a deep connection. But in the end it just wasn’t meant to be, and I personally think she is better off without him.

Fast forward and she becomes the new bachelorette. It’s her turn to find love and call the shots and “plan”  the dates (yeah right, we all know there’s a team who really does this, what I wouldn’t give to have their jobs! I bet they get to try everything out before deciding on the PERFECT dates!).

I wont waste my time filling you in on what’s happened all season, I’m sure there are plenty of other blogs out there that record that for the masses. I would however like to focus on the events of last night’s part one of the finale.

I don’t typically become emotionally involved with reality television, it’s not as if I know the people personally or that their decisions are going to have a drastic impact on my life (well, at least not to my knowledge), but last night Des had her heart-broken by Brooks, the one guy she has said over and over (to the audience, never to him directly because that’s against the rules) was the guy for her, the one she loves, the perfect husband she has been looking for. And if that’s not enough, not only did she have her heart-broken by the man of her dreams, it happened on a gorgeous island and she was blind-sided, she never could have seen or guessed it was coming.

My heart physically ached as I watched her try to make sense of what was happening and when her first tears started to fall, so did mine. And then I became angry as I watched Brooks sit there and hug her and try to comfort her instead of doing her a favor and leaving.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to post about this experience at all, but it has been on my mind all day and I fear the only way I’ll get to sleep tonight is if I write it all down. So here it is, the honest truth of my reaction to her heart-break – I felt as if I was watching a movie of myself from nearly a year ago.

I wont get into the details, but there I was, starry-eyed and madly in love. But it wasn’t meant to be as one night I found myself in a ball on my bathroom floor, physically sick because of the pain of feeling rejected, unwanted, unloved, and unimportant to the one person who meant more to me than the air in my lungs. I cried for hours. The tears eventually dried up and quit falling, however that didn’t seem to matter as I tried desperately to close the hole that was now where my heart once was. The edges were raw and ragged and the space was gaping. Hugging myself as tight as I could still couldn’t bring the edges any closer to touching.

For a long time I didn’t eat. I didn’t sing or smile or laugh. I cried and when that didn’t help, I ran. But you can’t outrun the voices in your head that reinforce what you’ve always feared — who would love you? You are nothing. You aren’t beautiful or pretty or smart. And after a while you start to believe them, because when your heart is in a million pieces and you don’t have a guide on how to put it back together, those thoughts somehow seem 100% truthful.

Now, I don’t know how Des was feeling in that moment of heartache as she’d only known the guy for a few months – I on the other hand had a year and a half and I worried myself for no reason trying to pin-point the moment everything went wrong. “What did I do? What did I say? Just tell me what it was and I’ll fix it. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. I’ll try harder.”

For me, there was no closure. There was no reason behind how or why it happened. And there never will be. I have my suspicions as to what happened, but I wont say on here, it doesn’t matter anyways. He chose someone else.

With Des, at least her guy confessed he didn’t love her and knew that he wasn’t ready to make a commitment at the end of the show. To give him credit, he saved them both untold amounts of heartache down the road by being honest with her before they got that far, as painful as it was to watch.

But I don’t want to end this on a sad note, because 99.8% I’m not sad anymore. (There are those days that jump out at me out of the blue and attack me with memories and conversations or I’ll see or hear something that I’ll instantly want to share with him only to remember that to him, it’s as if I never existed in the first place, and that’s the worst feeling in the world. To know you are so easily forgotten by someone you will never forget.)

I have somehow moved on. There’s someone new. He saw me in the mist of that dark nightmare of heartache and promised to find and reassemble my broken heart, and he’s done a very good job. He makes me smile and laugh again. And tells me I’m beautiful and that he loves me. He couldn’t possibly know how thankful I am that he’s in my life. Everyday I ask what I did to have a wonderful guy like him interested in plain-Jane me. He reminds me what it feels like to receive love. And he’s been patient with me as I take down the walls around my heart so I can give him love in return.

Who knows, maybe this time we’ll find the happily ever after, the fairy-tale I’ve been dreaming up.

As for Des and her search for love, the nation is holding its breath until all is revealed next Monday night, will she choose one of the two remaining men? Send them both home? Give up? Hold out for Brooks to change his mind?

So many questions left unanswered….

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One Response to “How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Cloud 1,000 | The Undercover Princess - February 16, 2014

    […] no secret that I’ve had my heart broken a few times, and that I’ve had to relearn to take life, love and relationships one day at a time. But can […]

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