Insecurities and Nightmares

21 Aug

I don’t know if I can blame it on the full moon, the strange weather patterns or the unbalanced hormones of being a girl, but lately I’ve been having so much doubt about things in my life — my career, my life goals, different relationships with people, the list goes on and on. I am a worrier by nature. I have been known to stress and fret about things in the past to the point where I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t enjoy my surroundings because I am over analyzing a situation or event or problem I probably have no control over. This is one of my flaws, I acknowledge it and accept that it is part of what makes me, well, me, and I’m working on controlling my urge to constantly worry. But recently, it’s not stressing over a class project or what I’m going to do on Saturday night, it’s bigger and scarier than that. It’s, what am I going to do for the rest of my life? Am I going to be stuck in my hometown forever? Will I find my happily ever after? Will I get to be a mom? Will I end up alone? What if no one wants to hire me? These fears, and that’s truly what they are, haunt my nights, taking the place of monsters and creepy crawlers of the dark.

About a week ago (one month to the day until my 25th birthday) I started having this dream that I was participating in a marathon, but for whatever reason, I was the only runner forced to wear an army vest and steel toed-boots. The course was through a combination of cement and quick sand. I couldn’t even see the other participants they’ve gotten so far ahead of me. It made no sense to me until a friend broke it down…

Sounds like your stresses and fears about getting your life started/moving up and out are invading your dreams now. You need a vacation. A relax and do nothing but quiet, non-exhaustive things vacation.

Of course my brain would have me running a marathon (still training for runDisney’s Tower of Terror 10 Mile run on October 4, 2013). I can see it now, I feel weighed down. Friends and family members my age are doing things I wish I were doing too, and I feel like I’m being left behind. It’s lonely, not to mention depressing in the wee hours of the night.

And let’s not forget how insecure I feel in my own skin sometimes. The same friend and I were having a conversation a few nights ago when I had a minor breakdown:

Me: It’s not that I need to cling or be included in every little detail of their life, I think I’ve proved that over this past year, I just want to be wanted. And loved unconditionally. I’ve never been the pretty one, the super smart one, the witty or funny one, I’m nothing extraordinary or special, I’m just plain and boring and mundane. I think I will always have trouble believing a guy is truly interested in me, just me. There’s no rhyme or reason he should be.

Friend: But… You subscribe to the multiple possible *soul mates worldview. That means, he is out there (several he’s, in fact). It’s only a question of finding him in this incredibly, insanely populated world (3.5 billion-ish men, chop off the old half and young quarter for just under 1 billion possibilities)

*I refuse to believe that there is just ONE perfect person for everyone. It would be nearly IMPOSSIBLE to find them. Rather, I think there are multiple people you could be perfectly happy with, it’s just a matter of finding one of them when both of you are ready to make that commitment — it’ll happen at the right time, at the right place, with one of those right people. The odds are much more in your favor this way!

Me: With my luck in the love department, my soul mates probably got eaten by a lion, joined the ministry or is circling earth in the space stay…..

Friend: Psht, you’ve more than 3 possibilities. Honestly though, do you smile?

Me: Yes

Friend: Then you must be beautiful. Do you write?

Me: Yes

Friend: Then you must be intelligent. Can you make people laugh?

Me: Sometimes

Friend: Then you must be witty or funny, depending on the day (no one wants a clown who can’t step back from the giggles). So, there. Why on earth WOULDN’T a guy want you?

Me (feeling slightly better about myself): I guess there isn’t a reason now. 🙂

Friend: Well, unless Scar decided he wanted a snack. But that’s only one of several! (And you can’t deny the appeal of an adventurous guy with a few battle scars, eh?)

Me: It would be Scar, wouldn’t it?!

Friend: He’s such a poo head. And Even though I know you’re a worrier, and that’s what you do, ya gotta step back and breathe sometimes!!

I have one of the best friends out there! This wonderful person knows just what to say to lift my spirits, she understands my insecurities and doesn’t hold them against me. She’ll listen to me complain and wonder “when will it be me” over and over again without losing her cool. She helps me remember that yes, I’m not perfect, but I’m someone pretty special in my own rights.

And then the weirdest thing happened… this conversation took place on a Saturday night, that Sunday in church the sermon was about facing your insecurities. Honestly, sometimes God’s sense of humor is a bit over the top, but it was, once again, a lesson I needed at the time when I needed it most. It was pretty emotional hearing:

“God made you right for the purpose for which he made you.” – Pastor John

Now I just need to keep reminding myself of this and I think I will be okay….

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