Archive | February, 2014

You will never lose your value

27 Feb

It happens to the best of us. That little nagging voice in the back of your head that whispers “you’ll never amount to anything,” “you’re such a failure,” “who would ever love you,” “just give up already, you weren’t meant to reach your dreams.”

That voice that sounds like my voice, but isn’t. That voice which remembers every failure and every mistake and every disappointment and lives to remind you of those times over and over and over again.

Most of the time I have no trouble tuning that awful voice out. I know what it’s telling me isn’t true. I know my life has a greater purpose that I haven’t discovered yet. I know I’m not worthless, but sometimes when my world starts shaking and it feels like my foundation is crumbling, I sometimes forget.

I find myself comparing my “lack of accomplishments” to the apparent abounding success of others, especial those with whom I am on less than friendly terms with. I find myself asking why it comes so easy to these individuals, why was it handed to them when I’ve been working long and hard with no results, what makes them better than me?

It was on one such occasion this afternoon when I stumbled upon the following story on the blog Catalyst Quotes.

“A speaker began a seminar, pulling a crisp, new bill from his pocket, and asked, ‘Who would like this $20 bill?’

Hands started going up.  He said, ‘I’m going to give this $20 bill to one of you, but first let me do this.’  He proceeded to crumple up the bill.  He then asked, ‘Who still wants it?’  Still the hands were up in the air.

‘Well,’ he replied, ‘what if I do this?’  He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor, so now the bill was not only crumpled, but also dirty.  ‘Now who still wants it?’  Still the hands went into the air.

‘My friends, you have all learned a valuable lesson.  No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.  It was still worth $20.  Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.  We feel as though we are worthless.  But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value in the eyes of those who love you.  You are special – don’t ever forget it.’”  ( Anonymous)

And that led me on the hunt for other uplifting reminders.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.Proverbs 3:5-6

Yes, I am not perfect. There are times I will make mistakes or fail or just not be within reach of my dream. I don’t know what God has planned for my tomorrows yet, but I’m working on trusting him and his timing. I am a unique, special and loved individual. There’s only one me in the entire world, and I’m striving everyday to be the best version of her I can. Sometimes it’s a struggle not to give in to the taunting of the voice who would have me believe otherwise, but in a way I’m glad it’s there pushing me to better myself and prove it wrong. Anyone who knows me knows I love a challenge and the chance to prove someone wrong, even if it is just that nasty self-doubting voice in my head.

Wordless Wednesday – 2/26/14

26 Feb

Oh you know, just chillin’ at the doctor’s office…
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Missing – One Promise Ring

19 Feb

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t envision myself digging through the work bathroom garbage, but there I was, not even 11:00 A.M., a feeling of unease in my stomach. My beautiful promise ring was missing from my left pinky finger.

The ring, a Christmas gift from my boyfriend of nearly a year and a half, had been on my finger 24/7 since I opened it with the exception of exercising and showering.

Why on my pinky finger you ask – because it is just ever so slightly too small for my ring finger, which means it is also ever so slightly too big for my pinky. Over the last couple of months I’ve learned to keep my pinky and ring finger close together to hold my ring in place, and I check a hundred or so times a day to ensure it’s still there.

Today, however, I was distracted. I was putting together a giveaway bag of goodies for a third grader we were going to take a picture of that afternoon. Her class at school had designed their Valentine’s Day boxes after the major businesses in the town and there was an open house presentation. My boss thought it would be nice to take her something as a way to thanks for designing a great box! (And the box really was fantastic, looked very much like the hospital where we work.)

So there my boss and I were in our basement closet digging through boxes of giveaways, looking for anything that would remotely interest a third grade girl. We dug around, moving boxes of odds and ends out of our way until we found chapstick, a night light, pens, water bottle, first aid kid (don’t worry, I took out the antiseptic cream and only left the band-aids), note pads, and t-shirt. At one point, a box that was precariously balanced on top of three or four other boxes fell to the ground, scattering its contents everywhere. Thinking nothing of it, I stooped to clean up the mess, depositing the box, albeit a bit more securely, back on the stack. It was at this point we decided we had enough goodies to give the girl.

Feeling the dirt and grim on my hands from digging though countless boxes, I headed for the bathroom to clean my hands. There I was, scrubbing my hands, thinking of the conversation the boyfriend and I had had that morning, just smiling like a happy, in-love fool. It wasn’t until I threw away my paper towel that I noticed something was wrong.

My finger FELT lighter, more exposed. A sinking feeling wrapped itself around my heart. My ring was gone. My world stopped turning. My breathing came rapidly. Despair was sinking in. I was desperate to find my ring.

I’ve lost other things over the years, and yes those times were hard, but nothing compared to this pit in my stomach feeling. But losing my ring was different. He had given it to me. A symbol of how much he loved me and I had carelessly lost it. The  sentimental attachment I have with my ring can’t be replaced – it represents where and how we met, falling in love and overcoming the physical distance between us, hardship, obstacles and everything we’ve faced together and everything life has yet to throw at us.

I did the only thing I could think to do – normally a germaphobe, I reached into that bathroom trash bin with both hands. Praying my ring had slipped off while drying my hands, I opened every crinkled paper towel and laid it out on the floor. When at last the bin was empty, and my worst fear confirmed, no ring at the bottom, I scoped everything up and redeposited it in the bin. After washing my hands in double time, I check my pockets, maybe just maybe, as I took the stairs two at a time up to my office. Empty, as I expected them to be.

The giveaway bag. My ring HAS to be inside. I head for my boss’ office and with a heavy heart tell her my ring is missing. I search the bag, and it too comes up empty. I am near hysterics, it could be ANYWHERE, I’m not even sure when I last REMEMBER seeing it on my finger.

At my boss’ suggestion, we return to the basement closet to retrace our steps. Her optimism helps, it has to be here somewhere. We ended up taking every box I touched out to our conference table to thoroughly search. We decided it had to have fallen into a box because neither of us had heard it clank to the ground.

And she was right. At the bottom of the box where I had dug looking for pencils and chapsticks, I found my beautiful, silver ring hidden under some discarded papers. The rush of joy and thankfulness I felt at that precise moment can’t be expressed in words. For the remainder of the day, I looked at my left hand every five to ten minutes just to make sure my ring was in fact still on my finger, and that is where it currently still is, safe and sound.

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Cloud 1,000

16 Feb

Have you ever been so in love, you just wanted to shout it from the rooftops, print in the papers, write it the sky and tell random strangers on the street about how happy you are this special person chose you? If you haven’t had that feeling yet, trust me when I say it’s one of the best natural highs you’ll ever experience.

It’s no secret that I’ve had my heart broken a few times, and that I’ve had to relearn to take life, love and relationships one day at a time. But can I just say what a difference a year makes – February 14, 2013 wasn’t all that spectacular, except that I began to love me, and I took the steps needed to heal emotionally, and even learned to trust my heart with someone new.

While the events I’m about to tell you about happened for Valentine’s Day, that’s not what this post is really about at all. It’s about finally feeling whole, like I’ve found the missing puzzle piece in my life – him.

I’m use to low-key Valentine’s Days. Even WHEN I was “lucky” enough to be with someone — it’s always just been another day. And please don’t get me wrong, I’d rather show and receive love the other 364 days of the year if it was one or the other. But, that being said, I’ve still always wondered what it would feel like to be surprised on this day meant for romance. And I was prepared for this year to be the same, with the exception being the wonderful man I have in my life who reminds me daily how much he loves me.

However, when he asked me about a week and a half ago if I had a house address other than the Post Office Box address I’d given him for Christmas (for those of you who may be wondering, we are in a long distance relationship, about 1,040-ish miles give or take are between us), I didn’t want to get my hopes up because honestly, who knew why he was asking. Yeah Valentine’s Day was coming up, but it has never/wasn’t really on my radar…

But when he started asking me the Monday of Valentine’s Week if I’d gotten any deliveries, I couldn’t stop myself. My interests were peaked and I became giddy with excitement. For the next three days I anticipated seeing something waiting for me when I returned home from work, only to be greeted with nothing. Finally, Thursday during my lunch break, I received an excited text from him that it had been delivered and I added to the excitement as I told him the package I had mailed him had been delivered that day as well! So on a whim, but mostly because he had a 12 hour shift the next day and chances of us talking would be slim, we decided to celebrate a day early.

When I came home from work, this is what I found waiting, cue the waterworks, I was so excited! No one, besides my parents who don’t count in this situation, has given me flowers before!

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Excitedly I sent off a text asking if I could open them or if I had to wait until we got to video chat. He wanted to see my reaction, so I waited – not so patiently – to see the flowers he had picked for me! As I waited, and the anticipation grew, emotions quickly took over me.

While I waited for him to drive home from work so we could video chat, and before I even looked in the box, I loved him more. It didn’t matter to me what kind they were, all that mattered was he picked them out specifically for me. In that moment, I had my first valentine and my heart was overflowing.

He was very adorable on our video chat, I could tell he was anxious to see what I’d sent him, so he opened his first. It was all very simple, but from the heart. Again, not knowing anything other than a low-key Valentine’s Day, I opted for homemade, from the heart, and personalized crafts. He loved them all!

Then it was my turn!! First I found this:

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It’s the envelope that held a very sweet, very personal and heartfelt message. Again, I started to tear up. That lifelong dream of being someone’s Valentine was coming true and it was better than I ever could have imagined. If the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes at Christmas, mine must have burst with love and affection. And then I saw my flowers and words failed me.

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He didn’t just send me flowers, he sent me a dozen of the most beautiful, long stem roses I’ve ever seen! I couldn’t make a coherent thought let alone express out loud how much I loved them! As I was admiring my beautiful bouquet, I smiled as a random quote from the movie “The Perfect Man” popped into my mind:

…a flower like this is perfect, and giving a woman a dozen of them, it’s like saying there is such a thing as perfect. And it’s out there.

Once I put my flowers in water and admired them a few more minutes, we had one wonderful two-hour video chat. I loved that during that time talking and laughing, it somehow felt like the miles weren’t quite so far apart. There are days when it’s hard being so far, but I know in my heart it’s worth it because I knew without a doubt that he is my perfect – our quirks compliment each other and there’s an ease I’ve never felt with anyone else, somehow we just click, – he’s the one I didn’t know I’ve been waiting for.

All weekend I’ve been in this state of utter bliss. I would say I’ve been on Cloud 9, but that’s just not good enough to describe the happiness and love I am blessed to have in my life – it’s more like I’m on my own personal Cloud 1,000 and I have no interest of rejoining the earthlings anytime soon! In fact, I think I’m going to float around on this cloud of mine forever, because when you’re happy and in love, why should you be reduced to walking?!

Oh and my flowers…. here’s what they look like three days later! I’m just going to put this out there – my man did good, he did VERY good! ❤

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